Longing ...

Image Courtesy : wallpaperciv.com 

After a decade of married life, mostly peaceful and blessed with a son, I wonder aloud :
 Why do men and women marry?

I dare to put forward my hypotheses:

Hypothesis 1:  They marry to create a label "married" before the world, which is a sign of security, self esteem and respectability. Lest you are labelled as vulnerable, frustrated and inferior.

Hypothesis 2 : They marry to know the sensual pleasures of lovemaking and romance, which is bestowed on them only within a wedlock. It is true that it happens outside wedlock too, but to all always accessible of course is marriage itself, all other are just darker secrets.

Hypothesis 3: Some genuinely are so fond of children and desire for themselves, that they would have to marry for it.

There are certain varied reasons for women and men to marry. For women, "how would she live without a man's support?"; for men " who would take care of them and their homes?" - They ask!

In a world where everyone seeks companionship of a marriage band, how would one move around in social circles alone? Wont you feel a little left out , when you are of marriageable age and seen without a spouse?

And it is especially so , in this Facebook world, where how do you post those happily wedded snaps?

And the most ironical is the fact that people marry for  companionship! Living together under the same roof continuously for years together is "companionship" - Alas! And who is here in today's world who doesn't keep secret friendships, under the justified umbrella of soul-mates and companions, with whom they share a lot which they couldn't for umpteen reasons, share to the "companion" they married for!

Now why did I marry? For one and more of these same reasons.

Now when I look at it, I feel at times I shouldn't have.. I wouldn't have had to share my space .. I wouldn't have had to be answerable for anything to anyone.... I would have  just lived the way I wanted..

But then, I couldn't have done any of these at all ! I might have led a horrible spinster life, with no social life and so many relatives to rule me and decide things for me.. I really do not know..

But I guess when my hair greys and age shows more on me, when I am fifty probably I would move away and find my personal space, I would like to live in a cosy studio apartment , travelling alone seeing places, sleeping and waking up as and when I want.. with no compromises to anyone, no disapproval from anyone, with books and movies and music and the skies .. I would wander lonely .. and FREE :)

Back to Square One!

Mine was an arranged marriage.. and it still remains an arrangement. Marriage itself is an unnatural arrangement that human mind has crafted. It kills innovation in love, the vibrancy of the hormones, that makes one's heart skip many a beats. Expecting all that thrill as I  approach my tenth year of marriage is little too much,I admit. But is it an excess to expect  more than an acquaintance level of companionship  from this blessed thing called marriage. I am reasonably aware that this is not a rarity with me alone. I do not know about the sustenance degree in love marriages, but I own a marriage not out of love but of convenience. Everything is nice and fine. I am well taken care of.. but there is this absence of love factor, which remains a vacuum for me, and a boring one too. I am alarmed at myself for all the physical intimacy, when it doesn't come from my heart. It is more of a biological, strait jacket formula of necessities. It could even be that my version of love is above all expected levels, that if I complain of lack of love, my loving spouse would just get annoyed, as if all that nest-making that he does on a daily basis, starting right from fetching milk in the morning to checking the doors at night, is in vain.. Am I asking too much, I wonder. 

So again, we had this argument, about this and that. We in fact have opposite taste in all that we do. If I like the left window pane to be slid open, he insists on the right. And all the rest too goes just like that! This time I was angry, quite unlike me, who wonders whether it is the lack of self respect or my extreme self confidence that makes me go after him, pamper him, apologize,tease or do whatever whatever like a pet puppy and make him get rid of his anger cum irritation which most instantly forms against me for the slightest of no-reason. Enough is enough, this time I am gonna be adamant, and will make him earn love from me, not the 'open the tap and you get it' mode. When I tried calling him, he didnt take my call, for so long.. I enjoyed re dialling, keeping on the speaker mode and munching goodies. Pressing the flash, and then the redial button became like a game. And after half an hour of this activity, his made up - stubborn voice fell on my ear.  I had forgotten my 'in anger framed utterances', I felt a lump in my throat, and I pleaded with him softly that I cant bear this fight even for a minute, I want it set right the very moment. He sounded pleased. The phone was cradled and I was like, damn!!! again its HER over ME! But I confess I felt happy. I am happy when I give in and most frustrated when I hold up. No wonder I call myself a woman, a proud one too. 

Hide n' Seek

I am playing hide and seek with me, alternating between what I am and what I ought to be. I hide and then I seek me out. That is what has always been happening in my life. I seek love, companionship, romance and laughter. And I guess I was wrong in expecting it out of marriage. I am not sure whether I expected anything at all, marriage just happened. I wanted to marry, and I married the man who was forwarded to me through proper channel via parents and of course there was no compulsion, I decided out of free will and mind. I weighed very practically the convenience in marriage, and it turned out to exactly what I had foreseen it to be. So there is in fact nothing for me to be disappointed of. For the great positives I had opted for in him, I had to take in the variance with my 'ism's too. And I was discreetly proud that I took it fairly well and with full of charm, enthusiasm, laughter and humour. There were many who had asked me with surprise, how I could be so cheerful always and content too.. And it was'nt a pretension, I was! And I wasnt too! It is complicated,  like a spider's web, you touch one strand and it sends shivers all throughout..

Internet has been a great way of letting loose the unruly horse in me, and I gained quite many friends, who saw the brighter side of me, the mirror image I would design for me to admire on, and swell with pride.. But my online time went beyond all leaps and bounds, and for the first time in the last nine years , my husband effectively scolded me for my lack of attention at home, and my internet plunge. He even said that he knows there is something else too, which makes me glued here. It was all true. Seeing that my peace is at risk, I withdrew to a shell, kept away from my laptop, played the mother role 'better' by making my son learn spelling and math.. I became a damn stupid mother, I tell you..

I am fed up of being good. I am tired seeing dry, the stream of love which flowed abundantly on my mind's shores.. I am bored of playing a 'good home woman', and a silent one. He is irritated too seeing the rebel in me. I have decided. I am going to just peel off that sad face, do all I want to do, and what I ought to do. I will not longer be a neglectful mother or wife. And that doesnt mean, I pawn my soul, my thoughts.. how the hell some people can think that happiness is all about just looking at your cleaned house, the hugging and kissing at dark hours, and being a goodie. Well I am not that. I am just gonna be what I am! And no one will seek me out  this time, I will be tactful, after all I am a woman. And dont you dare call it a pretense! Its genuinely believing in what you do at every moment. It is just that it is transient and not 24x7. 

Fifth of January

 Nine years back, the same day, we got married. Both of us were tired after work, and we had had a little of a raising voice in this morning, followed by a 'shake it off embrace', which wasn't in the time planner, I reached on dot for work, and breathless.

Evening, while I was easing on the sofa thinking of nothings, phone rang. Mummy!

Happy wedding anniversary mole ( daughter)

                        Thank You (in a boring tone ~~What Anniversary!~~)

I wished him in the morning...Anything went wrong between both of you?  

Why? No, Did he say like that?

No No, I felt.. Is anything wrong?

No Mummy, All is fine, except that we don’t seem to be liking each other that much these days. And I feel bored too!

Bored? Hahaha.. in 9 yrs? Then what about us?

Yea, that’s what I think. How can you stay married to the same person for so long? Atleast if it’s a new person once in three years it would be fine ( chuckling)

It is blasphemous.. This girl!!!!

Go out for dinner. Don’t refuse when he calls.

And I am glad we went! A night ride on his favorite bullet relaxed his mind too. Our ‘G.One’ has grown taller, so when he sits on the front tank, the father complained that he cant see the road well. Our to - be - seven year old was so proud to hear that and I saw him flexing his muscles and smiling to himself at the mirror. Oh My! I truly love these two boys behind whom I sit!

I arched my neck back and looked at the three quarter moon in the sky, while the cool January breeze played through my left  hair. I am so happy, I realized!

I have lovely views to see when I open my eyes and enchanting ones when I close them.

The dinner was enjoyable and the ice cream later on from Mother Dairy was yummy. I relished the Natural Strawberry cone and called it a day! 

Christmas Tree

This cold evening as I sat on the old fashioned wooden chair in the balcony, stretching my feet on the railings, my mind was heavy, not of pain or sadness or disappointment, not of any depression or hormonal change.. but of thoughts scattered in my mind - sweet and nostalgic, hard facts and dreams ahead. As I looked at the decorated and well illuminated Christmas tree across the street, I thought of myself as one, each twirled leaf weaved by the year gone by. If I am to be illuminated and kept on the side wall, how would I look like? More of thorns or glittering balls?  Let me spin my leaves… stray thoughts!

I had lost myself in the virtual world for many months, with lucid intervals of ‘soberness’. But I am not sure whether I lived as myself more in the intervals or in the net plunge.  

My professional flashcard would not shine much in this last year, I was lazy and non innovative. So those leaves had no glitters on.

Blogging helped me decipher myself with clarity and release the pent up fury and cleanse away the grudges I held. It helped me see life as a sequence of facts, which can as simply be spelt out as it could be. I found a few lovely bloggers whom I read with wonder and admiration, met my twin, a handful of good friends, and I fell in love. My tree is definitely glowing.

 My motherhood wasn’t that illuminating through out the year, as I allowed my son to be in his own world, just so that I could be in mine. But the chilly breeze of December made us draw close to each other for the warmth and laughter we share in private. We sit on the kitchen floor these days and I feed him warm rice and ghee, with dal and bhindi fry, every ball of rice followed by a huge bite of a fried pappad. He tells me about his ‘inventions’ and I listen not understanding a word many times, but encouraging all the while. And he runs to me, hugs me around my waist and gives me a kiss. During his cartoon ad break he climbs on me under the blanket, in the afternoons. I have a hard time hiding my phone under the pillow. Well my tree is not that bad.. I am living!

Now now .. comes the hardest part.. my wifehood. I survived well, I should say he survived quite well with my hours online, hurriedly cooked food, stuffed cupboard (he started keeping his own), bad punctuality, un-blued handkerchiefs… He has really become immune to me now. All goes fine as long as we have that little intimacy at least few times a month. But this weather has made me too lazy for that too. I bluntly told him this night when he caressed me that ‘I think I am growing old, I don’t feel anything these days’. He replied, ‘it is just because you are preoccupied and wanting to rush to your lap top’. I used my reasoning skills to establish that unless I am loved without sexual urge, caressed, hugged and kissed – all with no sexual desire, sweet names be called during broad day light, I will not feel the desire. All of these would have worked, but for my escapade back to my study followed by his putting on the tv. I went sheepishly next to him and he just murmured something a bit angrily, switched off the tv and went to bed. Me back to my desk. But why should a man feel angry just for lack of sex. I have never been so silly in my life. But would these leaves shine of mine, or are they thorns?

To be or not to be

I don’t drive or rather I can’t drive. It is a great handicap for me, as I got used to depending on my husband for my mobility, and many often he doesn’t do it very happily. I am at wrong, I should say, for not  keeping to the agreed time thereby making him wait for two to five minutes (at times, even  up to ten) outside my college or university.

Two weeks back we had an argument regarding the same old story of me being late, and for once my mind rebelled. I was adamant and determined no more to depend on him for my comings and goings. With that sheer will, I boarded a bus and searched around for a place to sit. My eyes fell on an elderly woman, a ‘ senior citizen’, as Government calls them. She was hesitating for a moment whether to remove her bag from the seat and move a little to give me room, or just keep to her convenience. She looked at me too, and then Oh My it was Anabel! .. a good person whom I’ve lost in touch with years back. She too recognized me and made me sit after a hug.

 I was looking at her face again, partly listening to what she was saying and alternatively deciphering more about what her eyes conveyed and the efforts her facial muscles  and sophisticated lip movements were taking to display a show of content, which was obviously absent in her. She remains a spinster, and at her age..she must be in her mid sixties.. she is insecure, alone and in want – of companionship, love, care, social recognition, a family, something to keep her occupied. She is fighting a long standing litigation to “regain her lost property” and engages in social activity to keep herself busy. She associates with NGOs  and is ‘admiringly’ working for the anti corruption campaign motivated by the Anna Hazare.

( I don’t approve many of these NGOs whom I have met.. there may be better ones I am yet to meet.. I feel they have a closed mind and adamant commitment to causes, and each of them seem to have a personal worry to crush and cover underneath the solemn vow. I feel they are escapists, many of these small scale social activists and the nuns too)

I wondered if it is Anabel’s unmarried status which makes her appear so insecure. Even though I was sure of my perception, just to keep myself open to options, I even wondered- is it that I (the stupid society) just perceive this susceptibility of the unmarried, because of my(our) set prejudices.

Is it necessary that a person should marry? Of course it is a matter of personal choice. But as a woman I am in favour of marriage despite the much acclaimed adjective of a ‘necessary evil’. It isn’t evil at all. It is good to be married. Not that marriage is about being in love, not that marriage is always about being cared for, not that marriage makes one happy, it still is good. Only condition being, you should know to make yourself happy in marriage.

I continued my silence at home and my bus trips, with lot of agitation in my mind, deciding not to break the ice, not to give up atleast for this one time, not to give my love free from now, thinking 'let him earn my love' and much more. After a couple of days, he told me in the morning – “Come, let me drop you to college”. I refused with all that air of dignity  continued by a stiff few this and that from both sides. With my face all blown up with hurt, pride and something else, I opened the door to leave and then I turned back and kissed him on his cheeks and said “you don’t love me at all… blah blah blah” .. tears shamelessly rolling down my powdered cheeks, lipstick wasted on his tshirt. I saw a glimpse of moisture in his eyes too. I washed my face and left alone for work.. I was smiling as I was walking towards my workplace… I thought.. maybe I was wrong.. I might have been troubling him lots by asking him to 'chauffeur' me (ufff!!! thats his term) .. I should do my things on my own.. mind made up..

I haven’t been on a bus, nor did I walk to and from work or move anywhere else on my own after that.. its been a few weeks now.. and I am still being 'chauffeured'. I am shameless, its marriage after all !

From the archives – My writings to myself – about motherhood, wife-hood , in love, about marriage and more – II

Thanks to my dear friends who encouraged me to post the second part..

About marriage and love

Falling in love outside marriage has brought in a good change in me. Earlier whenever we were together I used to talk every bit of my mind and events/persons etc etc to him and he wouldn't respond much and finally I would end up getting irritated and minor fights, sometimes a few tears. Now I am in my own world and we don’t enter each others thoughts. I infact told him that he has not seen even the tip of my mind and he just laughed. Must have considered it as one of my usual philosophic outburst. He didn't know that I meant it. When I speak out my mind, please do not consider him to be bad or wrong. He is such a good person, and does everything possible to make life easy for me. The problem is not his, its mine. I demand friendship, companionship, fun, laughter and romance more than getting household things done or absence of bad habits or all that a good husband is capable of. Infact there is so much of freedom between us (or may be in my mind) that I can tell him anything or demand anything, absolutely anything, (without any shame) which a traditional wife would normally hesitate to speak out.

I dont think I am a good wife, because I am unable to understand my husband. That is why he gets irritated at many things I do. And he calls me his useless, all the time. Sometimes I doubt whether he is making me useless, not able to do any of my things on my own. Even when I want a  lipstick , I ask him to take me to the shop. Bank work and anything and everything he does. I just go with him to market and he buys vegetables, I stand by. He wants me to accompany him wherever he goes, even to buy his clothes. Infact we are always together, still miles apart.

Grumblings of a daughter in law

They are all nice people, in the sense they love me a lot because I am the bahu, infact they are a bit proud of me, god knows why? Because I m not a good wife, nor a good bahu. I m very rigid there and very bad infact. They are all home centred people having no social commitments. Which means they have not thought of how to make a difference in the world, and only think of their betterment. But quite harmless. Lot of religion and rituals and horoscope and temple going, all of which frustrates me. I find absence of free mind there, all god fear, society fear, and they dont know to relax and make life comfortable. They prefer not to keep any helping hand and prefer to do all work alone. I get fed up with all this hectic activity where no one gets rest and peace. One year and a half  I stayed with them and got so much unexpressed irritation and disagreement inside my system that I forgot to be cheerful. But you know, they take good care of me, will not allow me to undertake any hardship etc. The problem I think, was them being too good and me being too unconventional with rebellious ideas. Luckily we could buy this apartment, where the mind is free… 

When somebody told me that he felt jealous of the one who 'has' me for ever -  (extract from my sent mail)

But let me tell you, nobody realizes the worth of what they have. Any man would prefer to have a good wife, and I can never be a so called good wife, who will treat her husband as equivalent to God, one who will keep his clothes, food and bed ready for him, one who will do all that fasting and puja for the long life and well being of her husband, one who will dare not remove her mangalsutra from her neck, and religiously apply kumkum and wear bangles and bindi…suited for a traditional good wife, by seeing whom only the husband feels great because he will feel like a master, the boss owning his wife, the pious one. I am none of these and am incapable of transforming myself into one. So you should not feel jealous, but rather pity the poor fellow who has to bear me for lifetime.

But I am capable of being a good friend, a very good companion on whose shoulders you can rest your head when you are tired and worn out, I might make u a good hot tea then. I will never restrict the freedom of my man, personal and financial. (and I will not let him to curtail mine too). I will never boss him. I will never ask for his payslip or voucher on expenses incurred. I can listen to him as long as he wants to tell me things, and I can be such a good friend that I will not think twice to give him a kick when I am teased, I can have lots of fun with him, in fact I am capable of sharing a laugh any time of the day (or night), I will want to fight and roll with him and enjoy every bit of his body and mind without following any rules, but the way I like …. I am capable of all these… but these are not seen as the characteristics of a good wife. And I am not appreciated for any of these, infact I never get a chance to do any of these. Sometimes I think that God has made a mistake in making me a woman ( he might have meant my mental makeup for a man). But I enjoy and love being a woman….it is so nice to be a woman..

A tribute to the strong woman I could never have been

We have known each other since we were ten or eleven and have forever remained the best of friends, breaking all conventions of friendship etiquette. No friendship band, no regular calling, mailing, sms-ing, chatting, nothing .. nothing. We never find a bridge between us to cross over, we were always on the same side, yet always on one’s own end. I am writing about her, not to depict the love we share, rather for her unusual strength I admire.

She fell in love sometime during her teens, following the fascination and infatuation which germinated during high school days.  She was beautiful and he truly handsome. She loved him with all her childish innocence. They married after thirteen years of her being in fancy love world with him, which he never knew of. I still remember my friend who literally jumped with joy, when she heard about his marriage proposal. She was so naïve then. The evening before her wedding she whispered to me, that she feels that the marriage would end in a separation.  Still love was strong, and matters fixed and they married.

She being superior to him in talent, skills and caliber – personally, socially and professionally – the male ego haunted her unreasonably, purposely to crush her under the big foot. She had her own style of managing worries, but always stood to her principles and self respect. She continued loving him, getting hurt, silent tears, joy at mending up… more ugly patches and total lack of support from the counter part. Financially and emotionally, she ran the home alone – fathered and mothered her children, held a high profile job, gained a trail of admirers wherever she moved. She was one terrific woman any one would admire.

Well, yesterday she told me that he had beaten her for the first time and that she was going to put the marriage to an end. His act was a show of pent up anger, suppressed irritation at her cool steady unaffected posture in life, and restlessness as a husband who was banished from the mind and body of the woman who had loved him all through her innocent years. She had decided  to ask him to move , as she believes she should feel secure in her own home.

Unfortunately their son had witnessed the damn episode, which they realized after the abuse – physical and verbal was over. I was more affected with this fact and told her to comfort the child by telling him that the fight happened by mistake and that all would be fine. She refused and told me: “If I tell him that, he would consider it ‘okay’ for a man to beat his wife, the lesson he may carry forward in his life. Let him not be so.” I was awed by the morale, strength and far sight in these words of my dear friend. She is indeed right. When I looked out for immediate comfort to the child, she was guiding him into a humane person.

Once the decision of a separation (legally or not ) was declared by her, he is begging forgiveness, willing to undertake any conditions she may put forward. She has none.

The big social issue is, if for once the husband beats his wife, and begs for forgiveness, is it not to be forgiven and forgotten, because after all she is a woman and mind you, the MAN is on his knees! 

TWENTY ONE DAYS

AT THE END OF TWENTY DAYS:

Away from home and all daily chores

Space for myself, a real good exile

But, back 9 am, at the end of the day

I want to run back to my son

To bite his cheeks and tickle him to laughter bursts

To roll on the bed and pillow fight

And I wish to fall back on my husband

To trouble him and get scolded

I miss that frown of disapproval on his face

And melt it all in the warmth of our bodies

To hear him whisper in my ears

That he missed me and that tight hug in the dark

I always wonder why he can’t tell me all of these in the broad day light

Looking into my eyes, touching my cheeks, my lips

Running his fingers through my dark brown hair

And making me want every bit of him..

Epilogue: That is not all.. I completed my academic program with 'A' grade, my research paper got selected for publication, sat studiously attending all the lectures and enjoyed the expertise shared, made friends, had a class picnic, relived my student life,  much more piously..

Between friends.. yet worth sharing

Text message to my mobile: I’ve sent you a mail today…its something I wrote when I felt depressed.. read it when u get time

My REPLY: ok.will do

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Mail Inbox

My mind is now a jumble of thoughts…and a jungle of emotions.....

I was surprised that he felt attracted to me as well…the text messages .. the late night talks, the mushy mushy feelings , the smile on my face always ...

I was scared of the step I was taking..i didn’t know where it would lead to… I wasn’t sure if I was sure about all of it…but the feeling that reeled in me  was so strong that I found myself unable to apply the brake that would bring this ride to a halt

I wanted to hold on to this feeling and not sully it with the physical love that I thought would take our spiritual love to another level….and that was until the day he touched me and showed me heaven….

... the physical manifestation of our love made me feel so complete that I wondered how I ever thought I knew the meaning of the word passion until I shared my body with him…the kind of passion that makes my body burn with need, that makes me forget all my inhibitions, that makes me melt just with a touch….that takes me to a height I never envisaged I could climb….. …the feeling of oneness…the feeling so intense that the orgasm brings immense pleasure to my body, joy to my heart and at the same time brings tears to my eyes…

I still harboured a small doubt that this strong a passion cannot last for a long time…it will die its natural death … the fire of our passion burns as strong as ever even now, after almost 04 years of giving ourselves to each other…That is our love…which knows no boundaries, which has no selfishness and which I carry like a fire in my heart.

 But reality intrudes and I realize that I will never be able to spend my lifetime with him. At some point, I will give him up to another woman who will give him  a happy life..who will be his friend, his wife, his everything in this journey of life..i will give him up knowing that it is a sacrifice I need to make for the choices I made before i knew him…before I knew that he is living somewhere in this world, my SOUL MATE…whom I met years too late….But I guess its enough to know that I did find that soul mate , though late in life, who showed me what I am missing in this life…what I will never find with anyone else ever again in my life… the only person who has made me look forward to the end of my life happily, so I can be reborn as his, in my next journey on this earth…Till then , without any meaning and colour, this  life goes on….

My REPLY:

edaa this brings tears to my eyes and my heart vibrates too fidgety..

i understnd u better now

not just u

i got a lot many answers to my queries to myself

i wud say , u r lucky

for u have known love

u shd be happy that u r so lucky

and thats what life is all about

love u kazhuthey.. tc