I wish I could be the
person, a reader may assume me to be, from my true to heart posts here. But when
it comes to materializing my dreams, fantasies and wishes, I am a moron. I stop
abruptly gazing at the possibilities, and I am pulled back by unseen strands.
For me, passion in
love is one thing and marriage is another thing. Just because I am married
doesn’t stop my mind from falling in love, conversing with a man dear to me,
enjoying the company of the man who makes me feel beautiful in love, to dream
of being with him, holding his hands, leaning on his shoulder, and all that one
could romanticize about. I had done all of these in deliberate designed dreams. And there have been times when I yearned for making
love, in love. Not merely for the sexual pleasure it may fetch, but
to feel and see how I would be loved, in a tender passionate way, like never
before.
Inspite of all these
adventures, when I am with my husband, I believe sincerely that I am honest to
him. I do love him, though I am not in love with him. I do not wish to trade him for anyone else, for the rest of my life, even if God appears and gives me a boon. Do I have a multiple personality disorder? I wonder! How can I transform
so easily to each situation and believing myself to be genuine in both. I hold
(shamelessly) no doubt of my sincerity.
And the worst part is that when my passion of togetherness surf on high tides, I wish I had a safe opportunity of
courtship. But when such an opportunity peeps from a foreseeable distance, I
withdraw to my turtle shell. I put my limbs and neck inside and hide my face
into my chest. From there, when I imagine about the manifestation of dreams
shared, a detachment dawns on me. I realize I cannot be physically intimate with any man
outside wedlock. I realize I cannot do clandestinely anything more than a phone
call or a chat or a coffee. Even if no soul will ever come to know of what I
may venture on, I still cannot. What is it that holds me back? Chastity Sucks!
I'm sincerely awe struck by your raw honesty!
ReplyDeleteyour emotions flow out so easily. Superb Pygma!
Utmost respect for you for not surrendering your mind and spaces to anyone or anything. That's how a lady should be. :)
...deliberate designed dreams....!
ReplyDeleteDestination is not as fascinating as the Journey!
... You are aware of it, thus the withdrawal
To the turtle shell...
Keep walking , you have company!
Remember, once you USE your opportunity
your dreams will be boring after that! Detachment !
Thank you for your candor on an intensely private issue, dear Pygma. I applaud you for keeping your vows despite the feelings you struggle with. I was reading something similar to this on a blog post recently. Now I can't recall who it was *giggles* Ohh, I just remembered but it was a fiction story, or at least that is what is was labeled as :-)
ReplyDeleteI remember dating (kind of) a man who was recently separated from his wife and on his way to being divorced. I never forgot what he said to me once: "Marry someone who you are *passionately* in love with" . . . of course it makes perfect sense but it's very hard to find that one person who satisfies you on every level: physically, emotionally and mentally.
I've heard many women profess what you just uttered here. Loving their spouse but not being in love with them. Of course you know there is a big difference. Another perspective on the situation is the fact that you could find a man that would enable you to surrender your body to and satiate that desire but only on that level. It's difficult to find that one person who "turns the switches on in every room" (hey, I just created that!)
Hope it helps to know you're not alone in these feelings. Hugs :) ♥
You got guts...I can never be so open.
ReplyDeleteAnd about what you said, I have no answer to it. all I can say is, we all are stuck because of our morals!
Bold.....I wish I could..:)
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to be said, but as of now I can only say that all that is very human. We think body is nothing and only soul is, yet we preserve it.Cos body does open up parts of your soul, in ways we dint know it could.
ReplyDeleteI believe mind, body and heart are all the same..if we think one is polluted then all of it is..if we dont think any is polluted, then nothing can be
Pgy, what makes you think other women do not yearn for this? They all do! Nobody dares to accept it in open. Why? Either they are scared, or they are too practical.
ReplyDeleteLove is a pure emotion, I do not care if someone loves more than one man or woman or more than one god. It's personal. Simple.
Well written Pygma.
ReplyDeleteIts what most of us go through at some stage of our lives..man/woman alike. Not all of them hold back, wonder if it has made them any happier!
Bravo... Pygma..!!!
ReplyDeletestrong post....and i totally agree with you...chastity is a 'sucking' byproduct of civilization....
ReplyDeleteCheers!
SUB
P.S. I shared the same thought in my post "The Whore and the Hypocrite" :)
http://khonjtheeternalsearch.blogspot.in/2011/12/whore-and-hypocrite.html
Thank you all for reading and sharing your opinion here..
ReplyDeleteI appreciate :-)
Dear Pygma,
ReplyDeleteI am extremely sorry for being too late here and missing some of your posts. I have been caught up by a number of things;) And now I am back to revel in your thoughts:)
"Does that mean that I had vowed to preserve with sanctity , my physical body which ages with age, and which is finally to be eaten by flames?".........there is a line by the great metaphysical love poet Andrew Marvell whose poems often steeped in sexuality as well as platonic love(which is paradoxical)
"then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust."....and some more lines are there which came to my mind when I read your epilogue, though I don't remember the exact wording!
What a freaky frank lady you are! I mean wow!!!! So much complexities blurted out unflinchingly! This is why I can't stop admiring your candor dear:) And my views on this are kind of crazy to be told in some few lines here...all I can say is I strongly could feel what you have spoken of your feelings here and it well resonates with some of my doubts in this matter (though I am not experienced)! Love love and love Pygma:) See you around:)
Glad:)
DeleteMy dearest Pygma.....
ReplyDeleteA thousand thanks for those consoling words
for your concern
for all these love you are sending me...:)
I am so so deeply touched...(words are failing me- sometimes it's insufficient...you are a sweet heart;) *hugs*
it is strange na Pygy...we stretch the stereotypes but we cannot break them...for long i stood firm on my belief that one should do whatever makes one happy...like you, i now doubt if it is the best way to be...
ReplyDeleteJust want to say that I know how you feel:-)
i read these lines somewhere, would share:
Tumhe jaane ko kehte hue
Dil mera bhi rota hai...
Magar shayad dil ki rehguzar par milne walon ke paas
Waqt itna hi hota hai..
Wow! This is my first time on your blog and this post just made me speechless..so honest..I loved it!..I have always believed that it is impossible to be in love with one person through out our lives..
ReplyDeletewow twin---excellent---it equally applies to a man--gender is of no consequence here---to be tied to one person life long is a concept , socially and ethically binding the physical presence---the mind does wander and it gathers a lotta different emotions in such travel---some have the guts to express--some hold withtin---am glad u belong to the former--god bless--keep writing--cheers
ReplyDeletegood one!! pygme..
ReplyDeleteHey Pygma!
ReplyDeleteI have awarded you "The Liebster Award" here. http://www.audereagereauferre.blogspot.in/2012/02/back-to-pavilion.html
I know this must not be too big an achievement for you, but i'm also sure this gesture must have made you happy. :)
Spread the virus! :D