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Mine was an arranged marriage.. and it still remains an arrangement. Marriage itself is an unnatural arrangement that human mind has crafted. It kills innovation in love, the vibrancy of the hormones, that makes one's heart skip many a beats. Expecting all that thrill as I  approach my tenth year of marriage is little too much,I admit. But is it an excess to expect  more than an acquaintance level of companionship  from this blessed thing called marriage. I am reasonably aware that this is not a rarity with me alone. I do not know about the sustenance degree in love marriages, but I own a marriage not out of love but of convenience. Everything is nice and fine. I am well taken care of.. but there is this absence of love factor, which remains a vacuum for me, and a boring one too. I am alarmed at myself for all the physical intimacy, when it doesn't come from my heart. It is more of a biological, strait jacket formula of necessities. It could even be that my version of love is above all expected levels, that if I complain of lack of love, my loving spouse would just get annoyed, as if all that nest-making that he does on a daily basis, starting right from fetching milk in the morning to checking the doors at night, is in vain.. Am I asking too much, I wonder. 

So again, we had this argument, about this and that. We in fact have opposite taste in all that we do. If I like the left window pane to be slid open, he insists on the right. And all the rest too goes just like that! This time I was angry, quite unlike me, who wonders whether it is the lack of self respect or my extreme self confidence that makes me go after him, pamper him, apologize,tease or do whatever whatever like a pet puppy and make him get rid of his anger cum irritation which most instantly forms against me for the slightest of no-reason. Enough is enough, this time I am gonna be adamant, and will make him earn love from me, not the 'open the tap and you get it' mode. When I tried calling him, he didnt take my call, for so long.. I enjoyed re dialling, keeping on the speaker mode and munching goodies. Pressing the flash, and then the redial button became like a game. And after half an hour of this activity, his made up - stubborn voice fell on my ear.  I had forgotten my 'in anger framed utterances', I felt a lump in my throat, and I pleaded with him softly that I cant bear this fight even for a minute, I want it set right the very moment. He sounded pleased. The phone was cradled and I was like, damn!!! again its HER over ME! But I confess I felt happy. I am happy when I give in and most frustrated when I hold up. No wonder I call myself a woman, a proud one too.