To be or not to be

I don’t drive or rather I can’t drive. It is a great handicap for me, as I got used to depending on my husband for my mobility, and many often he doesn’t do it very happily. I am at wrong, I should say, for not  keeping to the agreed time thereby making him wait for two to five minutes (at times, even  up to ten) outside my college or university.

Two weeks back we had an argument regarding the same old story of me being late, and for once my mind rebelled. I was adamant and determined no more to depend on him for my comings and goings. With that sheer will, I boarded a bus and searched around for a place to sit. My eyes fell on an elderly woman, a ‘ senior citizen’, as Government calls them. She was hesitating for a moment whether to remove her bag from the seat and move a little to give me room, or just keep to her convenience. She looked at me too, and then Oh My it was Anabel! .. a good person whom I’ve lost in touch with years back. She too recognized me and made me sit after a hug.

 I was looking at her face again, partly listening to what she was saying and alternatively deciphering more about what her eyes conveyed and the efforts her facial muscles  and sophisticated lip movements were taking to display a show of content, which was obviously absent in her. She remains a spinster, and at her age..she must be in her mid sixties.. she is insecure, alone and in want – of companionship, love, care, social recognition, a family, something to keep her occupied. She is fighting a long standing litigation to “regain her lost property” and engages in social activity to keep herself busy. She associates with NGOs  and is ‘admiringly’ working for the anti corruption campaign motivated by the Anna Hazare.

( I don’t approve many of these NGOs whom I have met.. there may be better ones I am yet to meet.. I feel they have a closed mind and adamant commitment to causes, and each of them seem to have a personal worry to crush and cover underneath the solemn vow. I feel they are escapists, many of these small scale social activists and the nuns too)

I wondered if it is Anabel’s unmarried status which makes her appear so insecure. Even though I was sure of my perception, just to keep myself open to options, I even wondered- is it that I (the stupid society) just perceive this susceptibility of the unmarried, because of my(our) set prejudices.

Is it necessary that a person should marry? Of course it is a matter of personal choice. But as a woman I am in favour of marriage despite the much acclaimed adjective of a ‘necessary evil’. It isn’t evil at all. It is good to be married. Not that marriage is about being in love, not that marriage is always about being cared for, not that marriage makes one happy, it still is good. Only condition being, you should know to make yourself happy in marriage.

I continued my silence at home and my bus trips, with lot of agitation in my mind, deciding not to break the ice, not to give up atleast for this one time, not to give my love free from now, thinking 'let him earn my love' and much more. After a couple of days, he told me in the morning – “Come, let me drop you to college”. I refused with all that air of dignity  continued by a stiff few this and that from both sides. With my face all blown up with hurt, pride and something else, I opened the door to leave and then I turned back and kissed him on his cheeks and said “you don’t love me at all… blah blah blah” .. tears shamelessly rolling down my powdered cheeks, lipstick wasted on his tshirt. I saw a glimpse of moisture in his eyes too. I washed my face and left alone for work.. I was smiling as I was walking towards my workplace… I thought.. maybe I was wrong.. I might have been troubling him lots by asking him to 'chauffeur' me (ufff!!! thats his term) .. I should do my things on my own.. mind made up..

I haven’t been on a bus, nor did I walk to and from work or move anywhere else on my own after that.. its been a few weeks now.. and I am still being 'chauffeured'. I am shameless, its marriage after all !