I am playing hide and seek with me, alternating between what I am and what I ought to be. I hide and then I seek me out. That is what has always been happening in my life. I seek love, companionship, romance and laughter. And I guess I was wrong in expecting it out of marriage. I am not sure whether I expected anything at all, marriage just happened. I wanted to marry, and I married the man who was forwarded to me through proper channel via parents and of course there was no compulsion, I decided out of free will and mind. I weighed very practically the convenience in marriage, and it turned out to exactly what I had foreseen it to be. So there is in fact nothing for me to be disappointed of. For the great positives I had opted for in him, I had to take in the variance with my 'ism's too. And I was discreetly proud that I took it fairly well and with full of charm, enthusiasm, laughter and humour. There were many who had asked me with surprise, how I could be so cheerful always and content too.. And it was'nt a pretension, I was! And I wasnt too! It is complicated, like a spider's web, you touch one strand and it sends shivers all throughout..
Internet has been a great way of letting loose the unruly horse in me, and I gained quite many friends, who saw the brighter side of me, the mirror image I would design for me to admire on, and swell with pride.. But my online time went beyond all leaps and bounds, and for the first time in the last nine years , my husband effectively scolded me for my lack of attention at home, and my internet plunge. He even said that he knows there is something else too, which makes me glued here. It was all true. Seeing that my peace is at risk, I withdrew to a shell, kept away from my laptop, played the mother role 'better' by making my son learn spelling and math.. I became a damn stupid mother, I tell you..
I am fed up of being good. I am tired seeing dry, the stream of love which flowed abundantly on my mind's shores.. I am bored of playing a 'good home woman', and a silent one. He is irritated too seeing the rebel in me. I have decided. I am going to just peel off that sad face, do all I want to do, and what I ought to do. I will not longer be a neglectful mother or wife. And that doesnt mean, I pawn my soul, my thoughts.. how the hell some people can think that happiness is all about just looking at your cleaned house, the hugging and kissing at dark hours, and being a goodie. Well I am not that. I am just gonna be what I am! And no one will seek me out this time, I will be tactful, after all I am a woman. And dont you dare call it a pretense! Its genuinely believing in what you do at every moment. It is just that it is transient and not 24x7.
