Longing ...

Image Courtesy : wallpaperciv.com 

After a decade of married life, mostly peaceful and blessed with a son, I wonder aloud :
 Why do men and women marry?

I dare to put forward my hypotheses:

Hypothesis 1:  They marry to create a label "married" before the world, which is a sign of security, self esteem and respectability. Lest you are labelled as vulnerable, frustrated and inferior.

Hypothesis 2 : They marry to know the sensual pleasures of lovemaking and romance, which is bestowed on them only within a wedlock. It is true that it happens outside wedlock too, but to all always accessible of course is marriage itself, all other are just darker secrets.

Hypothesis 3: Some genuinely are so fond of children and desire for themselves, that they would have to marry for it.

There are certain varied reasons for women and men to marry. For women, "how would she live without a man's support?"; for men " who would take care of them and their homes?" - They ask!

In a world where everyone seeks companionship of a marriage band, how would one move around in social circles alone? Wont you feel a little left out , when you are of marriageable age and seen without a spouse?

And it is especially so , in this Facebook world, where how do you post those happily wedded snaps?

And the most ironical is the fact that people marry for  companionship! Living together under the same roof continuously for years together is "companionship" - Alas! And who is here in today's world who doesn't keep secret friendships, under the justified umbrella of soul-mates and companions, with whom they share a lot which they couldn't for umpteen reasons, share to the "companion" they married for!

Now why did I marry? For one and more of these same reasons.

Now when I look at it, I feel at times I shouldn't have.. I wouldn't have had to share my space .. I wouldn't have had to be answerable for anything to anyone.... I would have  just lived the way I wanted..

But then, I couldn't have done any of these at all ! I might have led a horrible spinster life, with no social life and so many relatives to rule me and decide things for me.. I really do not know..

But I guess when my hair greys and age shows more on me, when I am fifty probably I would move away and find my personal space, I would like to live in a cosy studio apartment , travelling alone seeing places, sleeping and waking up as and when I want.. with no compromises to anyone, no disapproval from anyone, with books and movies and music and the skies .. I would wander lonely .. and FREE :)

Blame it on Stupid Cupid

Prologue: My friend’s thirteen year old daughter grumbled that life has become quite boring without a boyfriend.  And the charming mom had  a tough time explaining to the little girl, that it is not yet time for her to have a ‘boy friend’.  I applaud the way the mom convinced her daughter with a simple logic, clean and clear. She explained that falling in love makes one confined to a person, and it’s a waste of time and energy, and you tend to lose a lot of fun, which you may otherwise have with a larger bunch, and that’s it! The girl was convinced and glad, probably that she found it attractive to keep more options open. 

The beauty of being in love, I have felt, is that you tend to have a glow on your cheeks, a smile on your lips and a glitter in your eyes. You don’t get angry fast, making your life peaceful, especially so if you are married. You gain a lot more tolerance, and your marriage will sail smoother. You tend to lose weight, as your palpitation would be a bit on the run and you don’t feel hungry. And when you look at the mirror, you just look beautiful. When you don’t look at the mirror, you feel beautiful. That is love. It will be even more charming if you manage to keep it discreet known to just the two of you. At some point desire creeps in , making your talks even more confined to the fantasies of the body and the soul. But all of these will get obliterated in a matter of few months, and then you start living in the memory of the love you shared initially. What used to be your urge to spent the “our time together”, becomes a confinement. The talks you used to have about anything under the sun, becomes now, petting each other, demanding, claiming, proving, reassuring, promising and compromising. Your world diminishes to just the both of you and a vibrant soul just cannot survive and breathe in that well of love.

I had been in love a few times, always with the ‘wrong - est’ person, for varying reasons. And invariably it is I who fall out of love . But what went wrong mostly was the so called possessiveness which creeps in, along with the intense love. And I just cannot stand it. I am a very freedom loving person, and not of a love-material, I guess. I refuse to confine myself to the love cavity. I need happenings. I need the thrill which drew me to him. I need to talk about the umpteen things, we used to, without thinking for a minute if that would be hurting him. I want to be in the world, flying with him, and sometimes alone. I need my space. I need time and fun with my friends. I need to love others as well. When all of these start hurting him, I feel being stuffed into a genie jar. And when I cannot stand that anymore, I just exhale out of the jar, and fly off, leaving him with the broken pieces of china. And what I feel is a pinch of pain, a little guilt, and a real big sigh of relief.

But for the first time in my life, I felt possessiveness over a man. I do not know what made me become so low as to spoil his fun, by wearing a big face, and doing a lot of ‘drama’, with no acting. I just wanted him as mine, his voice for me, his love for me.. and for me alone. Oh my! what lovely pain I experienced. The tug of war between my reasonable mind and the spoiled heart, swelled in my throat. He just lent me his shoulders and I realize that I love him, no matter what. Is it that I am truly in love for once, or is it that age is catching up? 

On the anvil

I died yesterday or today - the old Camus way!

See, It s all like this:

I had built up a reflection of myself for me

Locking up in chambers
The darker sides of me and

Believing for myself , “that is’nt me”

Now when by chance you fell on my trash,

Saw the soot and rotten egg white

And you asked me all of that

Just like a “had your tea?”

I shattered to bits

The wall I built

Became one with earth

And me with I.

I died

A slow death

Life oozing out of my eyes

Streaming down my cheeks

Like a collapsed dam, my heart

Gosh! I own a river full of tears!

Now you are breathing life into me..

I am on the anvil,

Awaiting my birth.

Never again to disown,

Any of my shades!