From the archives – My writings to myself – about motherhood, wife-hood , in love, about marriage and more – II

Thanks to my dear friends who encouraged me to post the second part..

About marriage and love

Falling in love outside marriage has brought in a good change in me. Earlier whenever we were together I used to talk every bit of my mind and events/persons etc etc to him and he wouldn't respond much and finally I would end up getting irritated and minor fights, sometimes a few tears. Now I am in my own world and we don’t enter each others thoughts. I infact told him that he has not seen even the tip of my mind and he just laughed. Must have considered it as one of my usual philosophic outburst. He didn't know that I meant it. When I speak out my mind, please do not consider him to be bad or wrong. He is such a good person, and does everything possible to make life easy for me. The problem is not his, its mine. I demand friendship, companionship, fun, laughter and romance more than getting household things done or absence of bad habits or all that a good husband is capable of. Infact there is so much of freedom between us (or may be in my mind) that I can tell him anything or demand anything, absolutely anything, (without any shame) which a traditional wife would normally hesitate to speak out.

I dont think I am a good wife, because I am unable to understand my husband. That is why he gets irritated at many things I do. And he calls me his useless, all the time. Sometimes I doubt whether he is making me useless, not able to do any of my things on my own. Even when I want a  lipstick , I ask him to take me to the shop. Bank work and anything and everything he does. I just go with him to market and he buys vegetables, I stand by. He wants me to accompany him wherever he goes, even to buy his clothes. Infact we are always together, still miles apart.

Grumblings of a daughter in law

They are all nice people, in the sense they love me a lot because I am the bahu, infact they are a bit proud of me, god knows why? Because I m not a good wife, nor a good bahu. I m very rigid there and very bad infact. They are all home centred people having no social commitments. Which means they have not thought of how to make a difference in the world, and only think of their betterment. But quite harmless. Lot of religion and rituals and horoscope and temple going, all of which frustrates me. I find absence of free mind there, all god fear, society fear, and they dont know to relax and make life comfortable. They prefer not to keep any helping hand and prefer to do all work alone. I get fed up with all this hectic activity where no one gets rest and peace. One year and a half  I stayed with them and got so much unexpressed irritation and disagreement inside my system that I forgot to be cheerful. But you know, they take good care of me, will not allow me to undertake any hardship etc. The problem I think, was them being too good and me being too unconventional with rebellious ideas. Luckily we could buy this apartment, where the mind is free… 

When somebody told me that he felt jealous of the one who 'has' me for ever -  (extract from my sent mail)

But let me tell you, nobody realizes the worth of what they have. Any man would prefer to have a good wife, and I can never be a so called good wife, who will treat her husband as equivalent to God, one who will keep his clothes, food and bed ready for him, one who will do all that fasting and puja for the long life and well being of her husband, one who will dare not remove her mangalsutra from her neck, and religiously apply kumkum and wear bangles and bindi…suited for a traditional good wife, by seeing whom only the husband feels great because he will feel like a master, the boss owning his wife, the pious one. I am none of these and am incapable of transforming myself into one. So you should not feel jealous, but rather pity the poor fellow who has to bear me for lifetime.

But I am capable of being a good friend, a very good companion on whose shoulders you can rest your head when you are tired and worn out, I might make u a good hot tea then. I will never restrict the freedom of my man, personal and financial. (and I will not let him to curtail mine too). I will never boss him. I will never ask for his payslip or voucher on expenses incurred. I can listen to him as long as he wants to tell me things, and I can be such a good friend that I will not think twice to give him a kick when I am teased, I can have lots of fun with him, in fact I am capable of sharing a laugh any time of the day (or night), I will want to fight and roll with him and enjoy every bit of his body and mind without following any rules, but the way I like …. I am capable of all these… but these are not seen as the characteristics of a good wife. And I am not appreciated for any of these, infact I never get a chance to do any of these. Sometimes I think that God has made a mistake in making me a woman ( he might have meant my mental makeup for a man). But I enjoy and love being a woman….it is so nice to be a woman..