Empty

This is not the first time. I wonder why I feel empty of love. Is it that I cannot love too much? Or is it that I have much more space to fill? Or is it simply that I cannot love at all?

At the age of 18, for the first time I fell in love, or at least I told him that I love him. He was not that good looking. But I saw immense love in his eyes. And I fall for nothing less than love. I am indeed weird, in matters of love. Weird in the sense, people who know me, who have known me, and who have recently become acquainted with me just refuse to believe that I could make such a mistake in my life, of surrendering my intellect, thoughts and freedom for someone who is nothing at all. But I was like that. Maybe still I am like that. I have a weak heart. I do not look for the status or money or looks or anything, when I feel love. And why do I love, mostly because of the craving for love, which has always been in me.

Well to tell about those times, it was a torture for me, sleepless nights of anger, tears and bruised self - respect. I kept on compromising. He was the epitome of possessiveness. I still have no doubt that he loved me. And I have even lesser doubts that I didn't love him. I really didn't. But then I dragged on with it, deceiving myself and him, for fear of being disloyal, once I had pledged myself to togetherness for life.  Many times I tried to move away, but in vain. He just wouldn't.  And I had seen the sharp glimpses of madness in him. People who love to the core are maybe crazy. He being my college mate, I couldn't let the whole world know that we are breaking, and it was known that we were together. He secluded me from all, by not letting me talk to anyone. For each break time, he would occupy my time. The moment I reach home, my phone would ring. He was intolerant to me doing a lot of things, be it friendship with boys, fashionable girls, a haircut, lipstick, duppatta let lose, or even a hair bow on let hair. And I relented, and that too out of anger. Out of frustration I punished myself by yielding every time.  I lost my confidence. I avoided people and eye contact. I had no friends in college. I did not go for sports day, film festival, arts day, election, picnic, and anything of that sort which made memories.  This continued for four years.

Finally I released myself of this bondage love. I confessed to my elder brother with whose help alone, I could break free. By then my college life too had got over. I never went back there, not kept contacts with anyone from there. I moved forward.  I regained my lost confidence. I became me. But I had lost the ability to love deeply forever, if at all I had it before, I do not know.  

After about 15 years, I am going back to my campus for a reunion. I have my own apprehensions of meeting people, I had escaped from, all these years. But for me it is a challenge, to break free from the virtual cocoon I had weaved for myself. 

After a very long time, I am writing here. I intent to write for myself in the space I love the most, no matter who reads. I am reclaiming my blog. Thanks to Red Handed, this time.