Facets

I had never backspaced while blogging .. but now I am doing it for many times, I get blocked as I want more and more to write .. to give clarity to my thoughts. I am not sure if I am escapist in the guise of being positive. Even as a child, I used to feel guilty at the sight of poverty. But yet my thoughts are not very noble, because I haven’t done anything to mitigate, to amend, or make better… except for the rare instances of charity . The forever compassion in my heart is of no use to anyone.  I am a hypocrite, for sometimes I turn my face away seeing the begging children and women, as I come out of the Pastry  Shop. At times, I hesitate to give them a few coins, either because my hands are loaded with shopping or  may even be that I do not know what I want to do… I try to look away from them.

14^th of Decemeber was our third visit of the year to the orphanages. Again this was part of my official work, I was with a team of students, who had enthusiastically collected contributions, and purchased essentials for the old age home. Earlier in the year when we had been to another old age home,  I felt nothing, not sad, not happy.. no feelings, mere uneasiness and frustration at the wrong state of affairs. I was doubting whether the provisions we had taken for them, would really be used for them or not. 

When we went to see the differently abled children at their God’s home, I became emotional and struggled hard to hold my tears, though the children there were well taken care of, and appeared quite cheerful and clean. I cleverly dried my eyes without my students noticing. But my dripping tears and swollen heart again were of no use to anyone, let alone the children.

But this time I came happy after meeting the old women there. Old is too old a word for some of them, they are really aged, silver haired, on the bed, the oldest would be hundred in a couple of years. When we gave them their new bedsheets and the like, they were so happy and thanked us heartily, with wide smiles and sort of content in their eyes. I went back to the room, slipping away from others.. I wanted to touch them. I knew they wanted a human touch. I thought, I will wash my hands later, now I would touch in any case. They were clean, still….

Some of them hugged me, one kissed me on my left cheek. I felt joy.. real joy, as if I had never been touched, hugged or kissed. One of them touched my bracelet and said its nice. I very generously removed it and put it on her wrist, as it wasn't an expensive one. She smiled like a child and said she would wear it every day. Would I have given it if it was a golden one.. I don’t think so. I am not that generous, after all. 

But inspite of all my selfish errors, and hidden thoughts… I was happy at the end of it all. And this time, I didn’t feel guilty at all. I accepted it just like them, as a facet of life. I even looked around to see if I am there among them.. age is not a disaster which will hit only the other part of the globe.

Tomorrow I am going home… HOME!  I would lie down on my bed, and look out through the window, the neem leaves fluttering in the light breeze and all the memories which it brings along.

Will be back after ten days.. Love, Pygma