Let me sleep!

I am falling into a slumber, when so many voices are calling me from all sides, the bonds and promises, duties of work as a topping. I am just getting bored of everything and everything.. As it is, I am quite short of formalities and courtesies, and if I give up the remnant traces too, what would I be branded as.. Rude? Proud? I am’nt both, I am just lazy, I would just want to float dreamily lazily wherever mind takes me off. Is it that my soul awoke from its siesta, that it wants to arrest all other movements in me and inhale and exhale ..deep..and quiet?

And I am losing my temper very fast, that too quite unreasonably , probably with my son. I know I should’nt be throwing tantrums on him and not hurt his young mind.. but I’ve behaved like an irresponsible mother, threatening him that I may leave him and go, if I am not given peace. He stared at me like that.. oh that look kills me now, when I think of it.. my poor child.. I shouldn’t have hurt him.. In his later years will he remember his Amma’s face trembling with anger , looking insane and screaming at him? Just like how I recollect many of my childhood instances, which I’ve kept locked away in that famous chamber of my heart.

I had been the epitome of patience with my husband, only according to me. But that has also crumbled. For I shouted at him for matters which I used to just ignore and pass by without the slightest of hurt. Is it that I was detached then so much that nothing invited my vibrant emotions? Or could it be that I am going through some mid life crisis as they call it? Is mid thirties mid life?

He told me last night with sadness in his wet eyes that I may leave him for a better person, if I wish so. Was I that evident .. shame on me! Is there anything like a ‘better person’ after all.. what I don’t have may seem better for me now, and once I have it, I may wander again like a lost soul.

What am I upto, why cant I be content with the reasonable pay I get, the secure marital status and motherhood, my bank locker, parental support and lovable siblings, good work atmosphere and what not. Why burn the soul and let it roam in search of  cradles from the sky, the solace of snowcapped mountains, silence blending with sadness, like the sky before it rains, an expectant soul wanting to give birth..

 Yet I am restless, or may be I need rest now from all these bonds and obligations. Let me unfetter.. Let me sleep.. I promise I will wake up and wear all those robes again and play the roles well enough..  I am closing my ears with both my hands.. voices penetrate still… Let me be!  let me sleep!