Wound

These days I am not being myself.

I have become a classic example of how ego, obsession and illusion can degenerate a person known for fairness and clarity of thought to the low levels of jealousy, unreasonableness and jittery,all of which I abhor. 

I am  fighting with shadows, discreet shadows of comfort and joy I weaved for myself, refusing to let the natural flooding of light.Facts, as real as daylight, as evident as truth itself, I discard and run through that rabbit's hole and find myself in the wonderland, my world of momentary solace.I fail to discern between that I can change and those I cannot.

I am going through a trauma, an upsurge of madness. And strangely I find myself enjoying the insane me, experiencing the intoxicating bliss of being insane, walking back and forth in a closed room, throwing things around, looking at the wild woman in the mirror and staying awake. More strangely, at the ring of the doorbell or phone, I smile and talk normally to my family and friends as if I am the happiest soul on earth. I close and open doors to my different worlds and behave differently in each. 

I wonder at times if I need help. 

Obsession kills a person, I am dying. It is not that I do not know to distract myself, but somehow I hold to certain values which I will keep on holding on to, no matter what. 

Moreover when I know what is fair, how can I have an option. 

Maybe it is all about taking the first step, the right step towards letting go and finding peace with myself.  I used to admire myself, for being able to stay stress free and aloof, peaceful and cheerful. That was once upon a time. 

Thankfully, I realize, I do not want my wounds to transform me into a person I am not. 

Till I am convinced that I am healed and cleansed, I am closing myself from My Secret Orchard. When I return, I wish to have happier days. I wish I don't come back barren .. of love and charm.