Recently while reading my friend’s poem in his blog, what I had forgotten for years, again flashed upon my mind ..the memories of the pain undergone and the recourses my mind took to overcome the grief.
I lost a ‘baby’ during the third month of gestation, it was my first infact. I did not really grieve for the loss of the life. I haven’t yet known or felt it, so didn’t feel any bonding towards the being.
But I was agitated, angry and aggressive. I shouted at God, my mom and my husband. I proclaimed that I didn’t want a pregnancy again and I heard my mom’s soliloquy “poor child.. she was so happy.. why did we ever married her off to face the pains of life” . I know mommy was unrealistic, but it did matter immensely to me that she most unreasonably cared for me.
My husband tolerated my tantrums depicting his love for me or his lack of options.. (I never really gave him any option at any point of time.. I love him as I want.. would receive him with a kiss in the evenings rather than a cup of tea, which he genuinely preferred over me at that point of time)
I was angry at God , not for the life taken away, for it was never mine.. but for making me the field of experimentation..
What made me agitated was not the love for the being or the grief of losing it. It was what I saw in the clinical room which made me want to tear off the personnel there and turn up and shout at God as well as to my family. What was that plastic bucket meant for, and why was the rubber sheet on the high bed directed towards the bucket.. to drain ? Is a human being some biomedical waste to be thrown off.. Damn the government, the institutions, the doctors, and all those around for such insensitivity at least so that they should’nt have given me an occasion to see this.
Later on I tried to forget the ambience, the incident and I succeeded too. And I chuckled to myself amidst all this, thinking that Moses came first, to show way for Jesus! Amen!
Is a human being some biomedical waste to be thrown off..
ReplyDeleteam "spellbound"!
:)
Empathise with your emotions, this kind of sheer insensitivity leaves one extemely disturbed and sick of life.
ReplyDeletewell written , bold and honest in expressing ur feelings, but sad----
ReplyDeleteMoses came first, to show way for Jesus!....well written...
ReplyDeleteu poked my memory parvanam:)
ReplyDeleteluckily human mind knows to discard and reject memories, smee
it is not just sad, but more inhuman.. and that agitates me, yespee
my jesus here is giving me a hard time testing my patience, suma.. glad u picked up that:)
thankyou frnds!
It isn't easy to describe something you want to forget....you are very brave.
ReplyDeleteliked ur narrative mode...
ReplyDeletevery good language. i can never write like this.
ReplyDeletei thought if i could write like this. i tried once but it was not goood.
later i did it my own way,but there was no much readers.
again i wanted to write, some one told me to complete the incomplete novel.
can you help me editing my works.
i shall be contacted on
prakashettan@gmail.com
regards
jp
"(I never really gave him any option at any point of time.. I love him as I want.. would receive him with a kiss in the evenings rather than a cup of tea, which he genuinely preferred over me at that point of time)"
ReplyDeletevery interesting dear these lines.
you are a genious, no doubt.
thank you JP for ur kind words and encouragement:)
ReplyDeletei m afraid i wont be able to help u with the editing.. best wishes to you
thank you.. girl with silver pen, and marar:)
ReplyDelete