Am I?

I  never was lonely all these three and a half decades, despite my having spent a lot of time alone during my childhood and adolescence. Even while in jovial company, amidst all my babble, I still remain ‘alone’.  I hardly share with anyone any of my intimate thoughts, never give myself totally in any relationship.. No one knows me.

But there is this man who made me break my shell of indifference and expose my unclothed, unmasked, untamed soul to him. Unfortunately or fortunately I cannot marry him, as I am already married. The intimate understanding, fun, laughter, friendship, arguments, fights and desire would have died if we had bound ourselves by a wedlock. On the contrary it would have been a meeting of the souls and eternal joy.. I do not know.

When I got the opportunity to stay away from home and work, for few weeks for a university program, I rejoiced at the thought of getting me all to myself. I would be leaving in a couple of hours. I do not know what awaits me there.

Looking at my son sleeping peacefully, I hugged him more than usual. I slept on his father’s arm and realized that the security I take for granted, would be missing for sometime now. I will be on my own. And even while I imbibe all these homely thoughts, in the back of my mind, I wondered how it would be like if I get to meet the man with whom I transform into a teenager.

Am I a deceit? Or am I being truthful to myself? 

I do not break any vows, so no regrets. 

Ironically I am making a vow – of togetherness in the life after this life.