Roots and Wings

It is very strange that when love assumes deeper roots, people attempt to clip each others’ wings, and keep them to themselves. Why speak about people, let me speak about myself and speak loudly too!

I have a ghost of a love following me for almost two decades now. I was eighteen then and was reckless enough to convince myself that I had fallen in love with my senior in college, who was genuinely in love with me and madly too, which I realized in course of time. I was very naïve then, foolishly indoctrinated myself to believe that I shall marry him at any cost, because I had committed to him and all my friends know about it. But as the madness of love, climbed heights, scary for a young girl, my freedom was crushed and I never slept a night without sobbing into my pillow. My extreme self confidence vanished into thin air and an inferiority complex started taking over. I couldn’t go for a drive with my own brother, wear the outfit I want to, go for a haircut, leave alone outings or movie with friends. I threw of the shackles finally somehow, but the humility I underwent, the compromises I made and the frustration I suppressed all became a defensive factor for me in life thenceforth. And I lost the ability to love, I became a detached soul.

At this age and stage of life, the unexpected magic happened and I was shamelessly in love again. I savored the beauty of it and enjoyed the ‘knowing each other fully’ mode, sharing time and voice, and leaving to fantasy all the rest. I realize again, that to be in love requires clipped wings and I cannot be myself fully. It is not that I intend to flirt with many or have fun for the sake of fun. But I do have some soft feelings for a certain ‘other’ person, which I do not intend to hide at all. So that has become a bone of contention these days between us. And I have a very strange way; the ghost rekindles that self-torture habit of mine, so I tend to compromise for what, I don’t agree with. My face is a sight then, when I do that, it is so visible and finally I explode like a volcano and claim my way, to fly as I want. But again I don’t fly alone, I hold on to him,  deep rooted, expecting him to take me on the flight, (is that selfish?!), with the melody of love in the backdrop. It is complicated indeed! 

To live the person I really am is my forever thirst,  love and  desire.. and I wish I have with me in my endeavor  my greatest companion, friend and love!